Like many childish
behaviors picky eating can tear at the fabric of your family. Meals can become battles
with parents yelling at children, parents yelling at each other. The atmosphere can become
so tense and acrimonious that you dread sitting down to dinner. In fact as I reflect on
the hundreds of parents whom I have counseled over the last twenty-five years it is clear
that the damage created by picky eating is primarily to interpersonal relationships. It
rarely does any serious nutritional harm.
When your toddler refuses to eat his peas your first response may be to offer him some
corn instead. You probably would prefer to see him eat something than go hungry. Your
spouse on the other hand may try bribery with the promise of an extra cookie for dessert
or they may threaten the penalty of no television after dinner unless some peas are eaten.
Obviously, these are to very different approaches to the behavior, and it is very likely
that the meal is going to be ruined for everyone when you begin to argue about how to
manage your child’s finicky appetite.
The atmosphere can become so tense that your child may complain of belly pain or even
vomit when he sees no other way to extricate himself from the situation. My parents seemed
to get along very well, but I can remember how badly I felt the few times that I witnessed
them arguing. Don’t underestimate the damage that you are doing to your child when
you fight about how to manage his picky eating. The bottom line is that you aren’t
going to get him to eat his peas so you might as well adopt a strategy that will at least
restore mealtimes to their proper position as pleasant social gatherings.
The best way to do that is to sit down with your spouse after the children have gone to
bed and write down a contract about how you will manage your child’s
picky eating. It may sound hokey, but by putting your plan down on paper will give it the
validity and longevity that will be necessary if you want to improve the situation. Date
it and sign it. Ask someone such as your pediatrician to review the document to be sure
that it makes sense, and then tape it to the refrigerator as a constant reminder of your
resolve to cope sensibly with your child’s picky eating.
While it is probably is more important that you agree on a single set of strategies
than exactly what they are, let me suggest some things your might want to include in your
contract:
We will not discuss who is eating or not eating what at meals.
(This includes praise).
We will not drink or snack in front of our child except during his two scheduled
snacks.
We will fix a single meal for the entire family. (This means no back up menus).
We will strive to make meals fun, and not focus on eating habits.
We will limit our child’s drinking to a cup of milk at each meal and a cup of
juice twice a day at specific times. (He may have unlimited water).
We will not bribe or threaten to get our child to eat.
We will serve desserts (other than fruit) only twice each week, and these will offered
even if our child doesn’t eat his meal.
We will not share our own food likes or dislikes with our child.
We will be good sports about trying new foods.
We will adopt the philosophy that is our job merely to present food in a pleasant
social atmosphere, and not worry if our child doesn’t eat we serve.
Some of these statements may seem rather arbitrary and/or may not seem to make much
sense. You can find the rationale behind them in my book Coping with a
Picky Eater (Simon and Schuster, 1998). However, it is much more important
that you agree on a plan of your own creation so that you won’t be arguing at
mealtimes. While I don’t recommend that you serve your child corn each time the
standard menu calls for something green, if this is the rule that the two of you can agree
on, then that is preferable to allowing your meals to degenerate into ugly battles.
If you are only going to have one clause in your contract I suggest that it be the
first one on my list:
"We will not discuss who is eating or not eating what at mealtimes."
You will be pleasantly surprised how well things will go with your picky eater if you
and our spouse sign off on this simple one line document.
Will Wilkoff M.D. F.A.A.P.
Dr. Wilkoff has been practicing pediatrics on the coast of Maine for more than 25
years. He is a member of the American Academy of Pediatrics and Certified by the American
Board of Pediatrics. He is a columnist for Pediatric News (the leading independent
magazine for pediatricians) and the author of Coping with a Picky
Eater (Simon and Schuster, 1998). He has appeared on ABC’s 20/20 and The Today
Show as well as numerous other radio and TV programs across the country.
Click Here
- for information on how to buy Dr. Wilkoff's book "Coping With a Picky Eater"
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